The Struggle is Real

        At this moment I struggle. So I'm writing in the moment for others to understand how real the struggle can be. I want to isolate from the world and hold up in my little house by myself. I know it's not healthy, but it's part of the struggle. How long I will feel like this is unknown. It could just be today or it could last a while. At the same time, I wish I had someone here to just sit with me. Nothing needs to be said. But it would be nice to have someone here so I don't feel so alone. I am a huge mess though and no one needs to see that.....

        There is crying going on and it's making me angry and the urge to hit something is there. BUT....I already punched the wall last week and may have broken something in my hand so let's be honest, it's not worth it. There are dishes in the sink and I know I need to get off the couch to do something about them but my emotions are keeping me right where I'm at. I need to go take a shower and get ready for cheer practice but the desire to stay home is super strong. If I don't go, I feel I am letting my team down. 

         I'm feeling worthless and like my fiancee could do so much better. I'm glad my girls aren't here to see this. They've seen it enough over the years. It's still hard to be vulnerable with people. I having fallen back in my recovery from PTSD. I am a work in progress though. I know what I need to do and just need help getting up and going.