The Beginning

 I'm Niki. I'm a first responder and a "later in life lesbian." I created this blog as a way for me to be able to write my thoughts and struggles down whether I'm at work with some down time or home sitting quietly. There are times when my mind is constantly going and I can't get it to stop. Writing has become a good outlet for me but between work, coaching cheerleading (which I know nothing about but am learning so much), and raising kids with my amazing and extremely supportive fiancee our two dogs and our daughters bearded dragon.

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in 2017. After receiving treatment I learned that to live life again was going to need some hard work on my end to be able to live as normal life as possible. As I come up to my four year anniversary of receiving treatment. I still struggle at times with anxiety and learning to take care of myself. I learned real early in life to only depend on myself and developed trust issues so asking for help throughout life was almost impossible. I was angry all the time and felt like I needed to take on the world. Working a full time job, trying to be a full time mom and taking care of a house hold for so long was my life. During that time I didn't realize that I wasn't happy and something was wrong with me. Suicide was on my mind....I cried all the time and I thought I was doing good at hiding it from my kids. Little did I know, Alexis was noticing it all. One night after crying, she approached me and said, "mama, why do you cry so much?" I knew then that I needed to get help. With the help of a chaplain, I was turned towards a program called the West Coast Post-Trauma Retreat. My life was then changed forever.

I spent a week at this retreat with other first responders who were in the same spot in their lives as I was. We went through intense therapy for days on end with the support of other active and retired first responders who had sat in our seats at one point in their life. Stories were told, TONS of tears were shed and laughter was had during that week. One BIG thing I learned was that I was not alone in how I was feeling. Friday, when it was time to go home back to the real world, I left the hill with tools under belt to be able to live everyday life. A new challenge presented itself though. How do I apply these tools in life? Two things I try and strive to do is to remember to be easy on myself on the hard days and to also make self care a priority.

Follow me through this blog as I struggle and learn to live everyday life with PTSD. And the tools I use and when I apply them.