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The Struggle is Real

         At this moment I struggle. So I'm writing in the moment for others to understand how real the struggle can be. I want to isolate from the world and hold up in my little house by myself. I know it's not healthy, but it's part of the struggle. How long I will feel like this is unknown. It could just be today or it could last a while. At the same time, I wish I had someone here to just sit with me. Nothing needs to be said. But it would be nice to have someone here so I don't feel so alone. I am a huge mess though and no one needs to see that.....           There is crying going on and it's making me angry and the urge to hit something is there. BUT....I already punched the wall last week and may have broken something in my hand so let's be honest, it's not worth it. There are dishes in the sink and I know I need to get off the couch to do something about them but my emotions are keeping me right where I'm at. I need to go tak...
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Grief

         They say that grief comes in 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. As I sit back and mourn the loss of a Lieutenant that I've worked with for 14 years, I think back to all the stages and how my emotions have matched each one.          I was in denial that anything bad was going to happen to him when the department found out that he was hospitalized with Covid. I mean, I've gone a year and a half through this pandemic and had been so lucky not to lose anyone I know to Covid. So I was in the mind frame that he was going to come out of the hospital stronger then he went in. Boy was I way wrong!          The morning when I found out he passed away, I became angry. Why was someone so young, and so healthy looking on the outside, taken from this world??? He had a family and teenage daughters who were the center of his world. It was just so unfair to me that someone, who would give the...
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My First Panic Attack

         It's a little past three in the morning and I just got to work. Right now, I'm currently sitting in a unit where I remember having my first panic attack.  I remember so much of that night. I was in my 7th year of working graveyards. We were having a nacho bar pot luck that night when I got to work. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love food. That night I felt different.....and not hungry which was not normal for me. I was shaking and I couldn't seem to get my mind to slow down at all. I couldn't concentrate on any tasks that night. I called a co worker who was working in another unit and was trying to explain what I was feeling at that moment. He offered support and advise the best he could.          I began to cry and realized I need to go home. I could not stay and definitely could not focus on anything. I called my floor Sergeant and instructed me to go sit in her office till she got there. When she arrived, I ...
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The Beginning

 I'm Niki. I'm a first responder and a "later in life lesbian." I created this blog as a way for me to be able to write my thoughts and struggles down whether I'm at work with some down time or home sitting quietly. There are times when my mind is constantly going and I can't get it to stop. Writing has become a good outlet for me but between work, coaching cheerleading (which I know nothing about but am learning so much), and raising kids with my amazing and extremely supportive fiancee our two dogs and our daughters bearded dragon. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in 2017. After receiving treatment I learned that to live life again was going to need some hard work on my end to be able to live as normal life as possible. As I come up to my four year anniversary of receiving treatment. I still struggle at times with anxiety and learning to take care of myself. I learned real early in life to only depend on myself and developed trust i...
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